Official Fanfiction Universitystuck
by Snowy the Sane Fangirl
Summary: Authors of notoriously poor Homestuck fanfiction are sent to a university run by the characters from the comic, where they will be instructed in the writing of acceptable fanfic. Sarcasm will be employed, buckets will be thrown, and the definition of "irony" will be debated.
1. OFUH

Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie. The idea of Official Fanfiction Universities belongs to Miss Cam. The badfic excerpt at the beginning belongs to me.

Many thanks to my betas, zdimensia, AdmiralSakai, Techno-Dann, and EmmaLeUnicorn!

* * *

_Karkat Vantas took Melanie's hans in his and held them. "Melanie I want to tell you this," he said. "My blood's red."_

_Melanie smiled her radant, beautifick smile at him and brushed some hair out of his eyes. "That's great!" she said. "Mine is too. Now i's time for us to fulfill our true calling, freeing Alteria from the Condess, preventing Lord Engish from ever existing, and getting everone to play SBurb."_

_"I'll do it all with you," he said. "But first I wan you in all my quadrangs. Let's go bucket."_

_"OK!" she said, and the two trolls walked off hand in had into the sunset, hnd in hand, the light glinting off of Melanie's giant heart-shaped horns. She knew they' d win. True love always found a way, and her seer abibities told her she would win. Besides, she had better blood than Feferee, so everyon would love her._

_Karkat looked at his one true love and grined as he thought of the thr-_

"Stop this at once!"

Danni jumped at the voice behind her. Her parents were both fast asleep in bed, or at least she'd assumed they were. It was 12:30 at night, after all. She leapt up from her chair, slamming her laptop shut, and incidentally throwing the room into darkness. "Dad?" she asked.

"I'm not the adult male human you name 'Dad.' Don't bother callin' for him, he can't hear. If you wwould illuminate the block?"

Danni reached over and groped for her computer lid, lifting it. After a moment it lit up again, casting a dim glow into the room, revealing its messy state. Before her stood two men, one very tall and the other very short, but attempting to compensate for it by standing on a pile of dirty laundry. Both were very strange looking, and she found herself staring at them. The tall one seemed to have grey skin - but her room was poorly lit, she told herself. The shorter one's skin, however, was unmistakably black, solid black as the umbrella he held and rather shiny. The very next thing Danni noticed was the positively immense hat that the short man wore on his head. She spared a moment to wonder how he kept it balanced there, but the taller man's voice and distinct accent drew her attention back to him, though she failed to listen to what he was saying. She noticed that he sported two scars across his face and the whites of his eyes were yellow, the pupils violet. It was not until she saw the jagged horns arching backwards over his head that she made the connection.

"Dad! Mom! There's a troll in my room!" Danni shrieked.

"They still can't hear you," the shorter man stated. Now the teen remembered that there was a character like that in Homestuck. She didn't remember who he was or what he had done, though. He wasn't hot like Karkat.

It did not occur to Danni to wonder what they wanted to say to her. It was some time before she realized their expectant postures indicated that they wished something of her. She was far too worried by the fact that there were two perfect strangers in her bedroom, both of whom were dressed up. It occurred to her that they were some of the greatest cosplayers she'd ever seen, but she was still very frightened. The short black man seemed eager to meet her.

"I'm the Courtyard Droll!" he exclaimed in welcoming excitement. "This is the Orphaner Dualscar!"

Danni stared.

The Orphaner was already frowning, but now it grew into a full scowl. The Droll rolled his eyes. "It's been reported that you were writing Homestuck fanfiction," he said, "and very badly, so you've been admitted to the Official Fanfiction University of Homestuck." He shoved an armful of papers into Danni's arms.

"Very badly?" Danni exclaimed in mild indignation. At least she thought it was mild indignation. It quite escaped her why both of her visitors winced as she spoke. "What's wrong with my story?"

"You've misspelled five names, for one!" exclaimed the Droll. "The higher-ups aren't going to be pleased with you. Five minis in five paragraphs."

"Minis?" Danni asked faintly.

"Nevver mind that," the Orphaner interrupted impatiently. "Get on wwith your enrollment papers."

"This is the strangest dream I've had in my entire life," Danni said out loud, not much caring what the two men thought of her. She sat down slowly and looked at the first piece of paper in the light of her computer screen. It was a form, printed on brilliant purple paper. Danni idly felt for a pen. Finding one, she began to fill it out. _Why the hell not?_ she thought.

**NAME:** Danni Mille

**SPECIES:** Human!

**GENDER: **Girl!

**PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:** Tall, blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin, beauty mark on left cheek

**BLOOD COLOR (IF APPLICABLE):** Red

**AGE:** 16

**DERSE OR PROSPIT:** Prospit! Prospit is the best!

**STRIFE SPECIBUS:** Chainsaw/lipstickkind, like Kanaya!

**LIST YOUR FAVORITE SHIPS:** Karkat/My OCs! Karkat/Sollux!

**LIST YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SHIPS:** Karkat/Terezi Karkat/John

**LUST OBJECT/FAVORITE CHARACTER:** KARKLES!

**WHICH BLOOD COLOR IS HIGHER, OLIVE OR TEAL?** Olive, duh!

She handed the piece of paper to Dualscar. He glanced over it and smirked. "Put her dowwn for Zahhak's class, Droll," he ordered. Then he looked back at Danni. "Get packed," he said. "Someone wwill pick you up tonight." Then, both he and the Courtyard Droll turned around and walked out of the room without another word, leaving the door open. Danni stayed where she was, staring after them for a minute, then got up and hurried after them. There was no sign of them in the hall, and all the doors were shut. She hurried forward to the end of the hall, where it turned a sharp corner and then plunged downward into the staircase. They were not on the stairs. Danni stood still and listened. There was no sound. The familiar creaks of the front and back doors were conspicuously absent. Slowly, the teen returned to her room. She glanced down at the papers that were still on her desk. The top one appeared to be a class schedule, this one on gold paper.

"The Kismeistude & Auspistism 333 - Professors Kanaya Maryam, Gamzee Makara, & Terezi Pyrope - Lecture Hall 27," she read. "Troll Biology 222 - Professor Sollux Captor - Lecture Hall 2." She scanned the paper until she found "The Hemospectrum 050 - Professor Equius Zahhak - Lecture Hall 100," passing "The Believable Murderous Sociopathic Megalomaniac - Professors Noir & Slick - Lecture Hall 4" and "Troll Romance 101 (Quadrants For Nooksniffers) - Professor Karkat Vantas - Lecture Hall 69" on the way.

_No harm in packing,_ she thought, so she grabbed her school bag and piled several pairs of jeans and t-shirts into it, followed by her computer and several bags of LifeSavers, a toothbrush, and a comb. As she did so, it occurred to her that it wasn't such a bad dream she was having after all. If it continued, she would get to meet Karkat, Sollux and the others from Homestuck. That wasn't so bad, was it? Thus thinking, she collapsed into her bed, pulling the fluffy pink comforter up to her chin, fully expecting that she would wake up in the morning with nothing more than a memory of a bizarre dream and perhaps confused as to why her computer and several changes of clothes were stuffed haphazardly into her book bag.

All of the readers of this story would certainly be taken in by this belief and taken quite by surprise when it predictably fails to come to pass.

* * *

To apply to the Official Fanfiction University of Homestuck, PM me here on fanfiction dot net, bug me on Deviantart (same username), or email me at dancingfencer gmail dot com.

Danni: Be confused


	2. Danni: Be confused

Danni: Be confused

I don't own Harry Potter (J. K. Rowling) or Superman. I also don't own HFA (Meir Brin).

* * *

Danni woke up incredibly quickly when she realized that she was no longer in her bed, but was in fact laying on something hard. She rolled onto her back and opened her eyes, beginning to push herself up into a sitting position. She was not prepared for what she saw.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" she screamed, falling back onto the ground and throwing her arms over her face. The Giclops standing above her took a step backwards. Unfortunately for its eardrums, she was quite determined to throw a fit and continued to scream in terror for a full twenty seconds, at which point she halted for two reasons.

The first was that someone pulled her arms off of her face and slapped his hand over her mouth, growling, "Shut your mouth, okay? Just shut up. We're confused and frightened enough without you throwing your two cents in." He was a troll, and also much larger and heavier than her, so she was forced to comply.

The second reason that she stopped screaming was that it suddenly occurred to her that she had been screaming in blue. She was not entirely certain how she managed it, but the noise that had come out of her mouth was unmistakably blue, and if she was hearing right, the words of the troll on top of her were rather teal.

"Why are my words blue?" she asked, or at any rate she tried. Because of the hand across her mouth, it came out more like, "Mmphg grah mm wrghl blreh?" The troll recognized her attempt at intelligent communication, however, and released her mouth. "Why are my words blue?" she finally managed to say.

"Because we're in the Homestuck continuum. Everyone has been doing that since we got here," he explained, then he rolled his eyes a little. "You have blue eyes, I see, so your words are blue."

"I see," Danni said. "Did you say the Homestuck world?"

"Yes," he replied. "Who knew that was what I was signing up for when I filled out those papers? I'm Colin, by the way."

"Danni," she told him. "I'd thought I was dreaming. Since you're a troll, do you have, y'know, teal blood?"

"I haven't checked, but that's what I put on the form," Colin said. Danni looked him up and down. He was wearing boxer shorts with various Harry Potter images printed on them, which struck her as odd beside his grey skin and two horns that stuck almost straight up.

During this conversation, Danni had sat up and now took the opportunity to take in her surroundings. She seemed to be in a place she recognized, a part of the Sburb game, she thought. Everything was black and white checkered, and one of the castles nearby was decorated in both purple and gold. A large number of other people, mostly teenagers like herself, were sprawled about nearby. Some were still asleep. She saw other humans, far outnumbered by the trolls, but she was also pretty sure she could see some black and white people from the Sburb game, Felt-people, and even a cherub or two. What they were, however, only accentuated the eclectic assortment of fashions available. Many were wearing pajamas, and a good many seemed somewhat embarrassed to have their nightclothes on display. A troll not far away was wearing a pair of boxers with the Superman logo patterned across the bottom. A cherub in a different direction was wearing a baggy jersey and basketball shorts. In fact, the shorts were so baggy that as he stood, he grabbed the waist with his hands and held them up. The Giclops seemed to be keeping its eye on everything.

"The carapacians and leprechauns still speak in black," Colin was saying, "and everyone's saying it's not fair. They want to talk in colors, but some of the others are kind of hard to listen to. Especially her." He pointed toward a troll who was sitting by herself a few yards away. "She put down white blood and she's absolutely a pain to hear."

The troll heard Colin's comment and twisted around to yell at him, "You're being such an asshole! Keep your comments to yourself!"

"What did she say?" Danni asked.

"Beats me, but she sounded bitter," replied Colin.

At that moment, the Giclops emitted a series of grunts and indicated the doors of the nearby castle, which were opening. Everyone was now awake, so the whole crowd proceeded to get up and walk toward the doors. They filed in. Danni tried to stay close to Colin. She felt she had made a friend and did not want to lose him in the mass.

When she got inside, she found herself in a large hall, decked with wall hangings similar to the banners on the outside of the castle. At the far end of the hall was a stage, and on the stage was a speaking podium, complete with a little microphone. On the podium was an emblem, and Danni paused for a moment trying to decipher it. Was it - pixelated? Suddenly she realized that it was the symbol on the Homestuck website. As the last stragglers entered the hall, a woman wearing a suit with short brown hair stepped up to the podium.

"Welcome to the Official Fanfiction University of Homestuck," she said. "You are here because you have demonstrated an inability to write good fanfiction. At the end of three semesters, you will be able to. I am Miss Carol, the course coordinator. There are four points in particular that I would like to cover in your orientation.

"First, you are here to learn. This is not an opportunity to act out disturbing smutfics with your lust object. Any and all such attempts will be thwarted.

"Second, some of you may have noticed that you are in a different body. This is the body type you specified on your paperwork. Body modifications will only be made if you can present proof before the Headmaster that this is in fact not what you wrote on the form. At the end of three semesters you will be returned to your home in your original body.

"Cherubs have been partnered with another student of the appropriate profile. You will be expected to cooperate with each other so that both of you achieve comparable educations. You do not loathe your temporary sibling enough to attempt to sabotage their learning experience.

"Third, you are all near the age of sexual maturity. If you are a troll, use a bucket, refrain from plotting to murder your partner's other concupiscent mate, and comply with all drone instructions. If you are not a troll, be aware that we will not hold any responsibility for any offspring that may result, nor explaining how such offspring were acquired overnight to your parents. If you are a cherub, you will abstain.

"Fourth and finally, some of you are no doubt wondering when you will be permitted to see your lust objects. You must be aware that these objects of your affection - or hatred - will not be unguarded. Their guards have been provided courtesy of those fanbrats who are unable to spell a simple name." She turned to the door onto the stage. "Eridan, Dirk, please bring the minis out."

A moment's pause ensued. At the end of the moment, Danni found herself rushing forward in a stampede. It was absurd, she reflected, as she had no interest in either of the characters who had been mentioned, but as her other option was to stop and be trampled, on the whole she decided that hurrying toward the stage was the wisest decision at the moment.

Something happened rather quickly to change her mind. Those who were at the front suddenly halted so abruptly that the people behind them crashed into them and forced them forward. Danni heard some squeals of terror from the throats of the girls in the very front. She couldn't see them. The squeals were accompanied by growls that she guessed came from the throat of some creature that was small but considerably ferocious. The last noise in the cacophony was a splashing noise. Before she could even begin to wonder what it was, the ranks ahead of her parted and she saw a small creature standing at the edge of the stage. It was black and had large teeth and larger horns, six of them and all three sets different, and looked quite ready to bury any of these appendages in anyone who dared displease it. It had not yet performed this action on any of the students, however, appearing to prefer beating them around the head with the bucket it was holding, which was sloshing some kind of liquid around inside.

There were others, but this did not concern Danni. She was far more bothered by the fact that the creature ahead of her had fixed its beady little eyes on her. At once, she changed her mind and her direction. Evidently she was not the only one who deemed discretion to be the better part of lust. Several others were headed back toward the doors. A number of these had near panicked expressions upon their faces. However, the path backward was blocked by the Giclops and two smaller figures. Danni immediately recognized both as trolls. One was very plain and unremarkable. The second had one red eye, one blue eye, and four horns. Sollux, she thought, noting that even her thoughts came out in that pale blue. Her eyes traveled back to the first troll. Still unremarkable, except for the grey symbol on his shirt.

Karkat.

Danni began hurrying forward, pushing other students out of her way left and right. Karkat - and Sollux. Karkat and Sollux together. She needed a closer look. She nearly crashed into Colin, who was looking around, seemingly unperturbed by the presence of the four canons. A human nearby, wearing only a pair of red boxer shorts was holding his ground, bravely refusing to participate in stampede or retreat. The white-blooded troll was still trying to get to the front, where Eridan and Dirk stood. All of this flashed into Danni's mind and was stored for later reference. Only five students stood between her and Karkat. A quick shove and a girl's squeal of rage - only four.

And then she tripped over a bucket rolling across the floor, still inexplicably sloshing an unknown and suspicious liquid within it and across the floor. She stuck out her hands and caught herself, skinning her palms as she did so. Once on the ground, she was too frightened to get up again. Someone tripped over her and scrambled up again. The shouts and screams, however, did not grow in intensity and instead they slowly tapered off. As soon as she felt it was safe, Danni stood. Everyone was standing relatively still, continuing to steal glances at the four in front and back. Danni glanced over her shoulder and then quickly turned her eyes front. Whether her sudden strength of will was more due to the small beasts, - minis, Miss Carol had called them - the expression of rage on Karkat's face, or the student that Sollux was levitating several feet above his head, she was not entirely certain. As the chatter died down, punctuated with the odd moan and hiss, Miss Carol picked up one of the little beasts and then turned back to the microphone.

"This is Alteria," she said. "Each time one of you misspells a name from Homestuck, a mini-His-Honorable-Tyranny is created. Some of you may recognize kanaynay, sopux, nepooter, and JAWN." As she spoke, she pointed at the beasts in question. Danni glanced awkwardly at her feet. Miss Carol was cradling Alteria as she spoke, and with a start Danni had suddenly realized that this was a misspelling she had made. "Mini-Tyrannies will not permit you to approach any canon character in an aggressive or suggestive manner, especially the one whose name was mangled to create them. And to those of you who are Gamzee lusters, fair warning: tampon is particularly dangerous.

"I believe that's all," she said. "Any questions? Yes, Miss Mille?"

Danni's voice rose to a frightened squawk. "When do we get our schedules?"

Miss Carol smiled, but it wasn't the pleasant type of smile that makes one feel like they will like the person smiling. "Eager to learn, that's what I like to see," she replied. "Your schedule is in the paperwork that was given to you when by your admission staff. You did bring your paperwork?" She did not wait for anyone to answer. "If you forgot your paperwork then there will be copies in your dorm. Good luck finding your dorm without it. Classes begin on Wednesday. Dismissed."

Feeling a sense of panic, Danni looked around frantically, as though expecting her paperwork to appear out of thin air beside her. She had not brought it. As far as she was aware it was sitting on her desk where her computer had once been. And the bag she had packed was nowhere to be found either. She saw Colin nearby calmly shuffling through papers in search of the one that would identify his dorm. "How did you manage to remember that?" she asked him.

"I've already been to an OFU," he answered. "Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. I've got a feel for how this sort of thing works."

"Can you tell me where the dorms are?" Danni asked.

"Mine are on the west side, but I wouldn't count on yours being there too," he said. "There are dorms on the west, north, and east sides. See you around." And he turned and hurried away. Danni followed him to the west dorms, knocking on door after door and asking if there was paperwork for a Danni Mille there. She saw that she was not the only student doing so. A couple of doors had pieces of paper with names written on them taped to them. "Harper Green," said one. Another one declared, "Bold Soldier." A third read, "Do not knock." The dorms seemed to stretch on indefinitely. After perhaps an hour she returned to the front hall to see if she could appeal to any of the staff for mercy. She was just entering the room when she was stopped by a troll heading out.

"Are you Danni Mille?" she asked. Danni winced as she nodded. Her words were bright! She also sported a pair of rather large horns that curved out and downward, halting in points just above her shoulders. "Oh good, you're my roommate!" the troll continued. "Hazfre Norbit." She held out her hand. Danni shook it.

"Where's our dorm?" she asked.

"North side. Follow me," said Hazfre, and she set off at once down a different hall.

The dorms were tolerably roomy. A large dresser with a double row of drawers sat on one wall near a closet and the door to a bathroom. A bed and a recuperacoon sat on the other side of the room and a round table stood in the center with two chairs beside it. There was a window in the wall across from the door. There were even electrical outlets in the walls. On the bed was Danni's paperwork and her bookbag. She grabbed the clothes out of it and stuffed them into a drawer, then took her computer and plugged it in, setting it on the table and flipping the lid up.

While Danni waited for her computer to start, she turned to Hazfre. "So, you're a magenta-blood?" she asked.

Hazfre straightened up proudly. "Higher than the Empress," she declaimed. "I didn't think they'd let me do it."

Danni didn't say anything, but, having seen the result of one of her misspellings, had a bad feeling about such a flippant attitude. She grimaced as she wondered how many times she had misspelled "Terezi." How many little biting, licking, weirdo monsters had she created based on that character? At least she could confidently say that she had not misspelled "Karkat" very often...

Then, the bell rang. Hazfre leapt up. "It must be dinnertime!" she squeaked, and charged out of the room. Danni stopped to grab her map of the castle and then hurried after her.

She had a feeling it was going to be a long school year.

Danni: Attend your first day of classes

* * *

Please do report any mini-Tyrannies you should see. If you want to adopt one, check out The Master List of Mini-Tyrannies, which is linked in my profile. Or you can just go read the list. It's pretty darn funny.


	3. Danni: Attend your first day of classes

Danni: Attend your first day of classes

No one ever said the food at OFUH was not enjoyable. This was mostly because no one dared insult the spoon-wielding Heiress to Crockercorp and her stern, fatherly adopted father. They weren't the official cooks, but they spent a great deal of time in the kitchen and proudly took credit for a great many things that came out of it. Wednesday morning found Danni sitting between Colin and Hazfre at one of several long tables that had been set up in the front hall, poking suspiciously at the mess on her plate. The two trolls were enjoying it immensely, but it looked singularly unappetizing to her.

"What's in this?" she finally dared to ask.

"Dunno," replied Colin as he dug his fork in. "It's great, you should try it." Danni prodded doubtfully at the mess of somewhat sludgy paste on her plate. Some of it slid aside to reveal something somewhat rubbery and pink beneath. She covered it up again and scooped some of the sludge up on her fork.

"Don't touch it!" someone exclaimed from several seats down. "I think it has raw meat in it!" Danni put her fork down hurriedly and pushed her plate aside, where it was claimed by Hazfre, instead grabbing a piece of toast from a plate in the center of the table.

On the small stage at the end of the hall, two tables had been set up, separated from the students by a long row of mini-Tyrannies sitting at the edge of the stage. All the canons sat at it, humans, chess people, and green people at one table and trolls and cherubs at the other. All around the hall the trolls seemed to be enjoying the main course far more than the humans. Danni had thoroughly lost her appetite. She munched on her plain toast and waited for the bell to ring. Finally, it did. Danni pulled out her schedule and read the title of her first class over again. "Troll Romance 101 (QUADRANTS FOR NOOKSNIFFERS) - Professor Karkat Vantas - Lecture Hall 69."

The moment the bell rang, she leapt up, along with most everyone else in the hall. Grabbing her map, she located Lecture Hall 69. It wasn't far. She hurried down the halls with a large number of other students and walked into the classroom.

A large auditorium greeted them, with a small stage and podium and lectern at the far end, a projector mounted above it. Most of the seats were full already, or filling up around her. She hurried down to the fifth row, which was as close as she could get, making a mental note to arrive earlier next class period, to get a better seat. She found herself shaking with anticipation. Here she was, about to meet Karkat Vantas, really meet him! She had seen him a few days before, but briefly, and of course seeing him regard a stampeding horde from a distance while stampeding herself did not really count as meeting him. She was so excited. The nearby door swung open and the room collectively inhaled.

A troll walked out the door and up to the podium. He looked... normal. For a troll, that is. He wasn't terribly short or tall, his spiky hair was jet black, and a permanent scowl was fixed on his face. Pretty much the only thing that was incredibly unique about him were his horns, which were short and nubby. He tapped the microphone on the lectern a couple of times and then spoke. Danni leaned forward eagerly.

"HELLO, WORTHLESS HUMAN FUCKASSES. EVEN THOUGH SOME OF YOU ARE TROLLS AT THE MOMENT, YOU ARE ALL REALLY HUMAN OR YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE. HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR NEW GENETALIA?" He paused and smirked. "ANYWAY, IF YOU'RE HERE, I HATE YOU ALREADY AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN EVER DO TO CHANGE IT."

Someone near the front piped up, "Karkitty, do you hate us enough for us to be your kismesis?"

A person near the door angrily shouted, "No, he hates us all too much for it to be caliginous!"

Karkat took a moment to smolder at that. "IT'S STATEMENTS LIKE THAT THAT ARE WHY YOU'RE HERE, NOOKSNIFFERS. THE FIRST LESSON OF THE DAY: NEVER, EVER CALL ME KARKITTY AGAIN." He reached into what appeared to be thin air and produced a rainbow-hued sickle. "AS YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW, I HAVE TWO OF THESE, AND I KNOW HOW TO USE THEM. SECOND LESSON: SHUT THE FUCK UP."

He paused, stowed the sickle, and produced a few sheets of paper, then activated the projector. "NOW, IF ALL YOU BULGE SMELLING NOOK HEADS WOULD DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE 'POWERPOINT,' YOU SHOULD SEE A DIAGRAM OF THE FOUR QUADRANTS. THE THIRD LESSON I INTEND TO TEACH YOU ALL TODAY IS THAT THERE ARE FOUR QUADRANTS. THERE ARE NOT THREE, THERE ARE NOT FIVE, AND THERE MOST DEFINITELY ARE NOT EIGHT. I DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR ONE OF YOU SAY THAT SERKET MUST HAVE EIGHT OR THAT CAPTOR MUST HAVE EIGHT. THEY HAVE FOUR, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING TROLL IN EXISTENCE. IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT, CLOSE YOUR PROTEIN CHUTES AND NOD LIKE THE IDIOTIC PUDDLES OF SLIME YOU ARE." Most of the room complied. Someone raised their hand. Karkat looked tempted to ignore the student or forcibly bring the hand down - or perhaps just take it off all together - but after a brief pause he nodded to the person.

"Karkat, why can't there be a fifth quadrant?"

By the end of the class period, Danni felt incredibly educated. She definitely knew a lot more words than she had before. She also believed Karkat that there were no more nor less than four quadrants and that each troll needed a different person (or persons) in each.

* * *

Danni's next class was "Sexual Orientation 146," taught by Dirk Strider and John Egbert. She had never had much interest in the humans, so she was not nearly so excited as she had been for her first class. She dragged her feet a little as she approached Lecture Hall 14. She entered and began to look for a seat. It looked an awful lot like Lecture Hall 69, but there were two podiums instead of one. The front seats were all taken, predictably enough. Danni found an empty seat and sat down. As she did so, the door by the podiums opened.

A gasp went around the room and several girls and boys near the front either pretended to swoon or really did. Danni sized the two professors up. She had to admit they were actually pretty hot. They walked to the podiums, much as Karkat had, and John glanced at his notes. If Dirk followed his example, no one could tell behind his trademark triangular sunglasses.

"hi everyone," John said. "i am john and this is dirk. you can call us professor egbert and professor strider during this class."

Dirk remained silent.

"you are taking this class because some of your writing has made us think that you may not actually know what the terms 'gay' and 'not a homosexual' actually mean." He paused, and his forehead wrinkled in concern. "when i said i was not a homosexual, i did not mean that i was really a homosexual and that karkat should come and have sex with me right away. that would be stupid."

A hand shot into the air. Without waiting for Professor Egbert to acknowledge her, the girl exclaimed, "It was just an obstacle! Once you found out you were really gay, you were both so much happier. It was true love!"

"i think i know if i am a homosexual or not and if you were paying attention, you would know that karkat was not in love, it was hate," John replied. "now if you will take out a piece of paper and copy down the following definitions." The projector behind him flickered to life and two definitions appeared on it:

_straight (not a homosexual): a person who engages in romantic concupiscent relations only with a person of the opposite sex_

_Gay (homosexual): a person who engages in romantic concupiscent relations only with a person of the same sex_

There was a great scratching of pens and pencils as the students complied. Danni copied them down and then frowned. Why was she even in this class? She only shipped trolls, and they didn't have gay and straight, of that much she was sure. She definitely knew the difference between gay and straight. Having arrived at the conclusion that there had been some mistake and she had nothing to learn in this class, she allowed her attention to wander and the remainder of the class passed in a blur.

"... why shipping characters against their orientation… not appreciated… out of character… PepsiCola… JohnKat…"

"... don't like Roxy that way… not Jane or Jade either… Rose is completely out of the question… fucked up…"

"... disrespecting life choices… sixteen years old… old enough to choose… no parents…"

"... as if you have a right to choose for us… my life, not yours… not in charge of our continuum… can't just change things… as for these female 'original characters'..."

"... and that's it for today. homework; a two thousand word essay on why it is inappropriate to ship people against their sexual orientation. no sources required, what we have told you should be enough."

Danni's head jerked upward. Crap! They wanted her to write an essay on what they had just said? She had heard perhaps one word in five of the lecture. How the hell was she supposed to write an essay on it? She glanced around. A few other students appeared to share her panic, but the majority were packing up bags and heading out. She glanced down in horror at her own page with nothing but the two definitions written on it. Crap.

* * *

After a forty-five minute break for lunch (which was mostly unremarkable) she hurried into her next class with a sense of foreboding. The first two had not gone nearly as well as she had expected. Lecture hall 100 seemed a great deal more intimidating than the others, despite being built almost exactly like them. Of course, the musclebeast posters hanging behind the lectern on either side of the projector screen may have had something to do with that. It also might have been the fact that not one, not two, but twelve staff members stood near the podium in the form of the twelve Beta Trolls. Danni halted abruptly in the doorway, staring. How was she going to focus in _this_ class?

Tentatively, she sat down, somewhere in the middle but closer to the front. All the seats any closer were already taken. As the other students finished filing in, a muscular and sweaty troll whose name she could not remember stepped up behind the lectern and picked up a gavel. Silence was restored by the thunderous bang combined with splintering wood. Less than a second later there was a second crash as the head of the gavel struck the wall behind Equius. The troll by the lectern stared at the broken handle in his hand.

"D - Oh my" the troll said. "D - I need a towel"

He retrieved one from behind the podium and quickly ran it across his face. A pure white centaur with a handlebar mustache emerged from one of the doors by the projector and silently spirited it away. All throughout this incident, the room remained dead quiet. Finally, the troll looked up and addressed his audience.

"D - In this class you will learn about the institution of the hemospectrum  
"D - I will be your instructor  
"D - During this class you will refer to me as Mr. Zahhak or Professor Zahhak  
"D - You will not call me by my given name Equius  
"D - Such 100d behavior will not be tolerated  
"D - I wish to know where you all stand  
"D - My fellow trolls have agreed to help me with this demonstration  
"D - One of you will volunteer"

The room was dead silent. After several minutes, Equius pointed straight at Danni. "D - You will volunteer" he said.

"Me?" Danni skwalked.

"D - You will place the trolls who are present in order from the lowest to the highest b100d"

"I will?"

"D - Yes  
"D - Proceed"

Danni sat for a moment with her mouth hanging open in a mixture of terror and confusion. She didn't know that! Why the heck did she need to know that?

"Okay," she said slowly, "first is Karkat."

"D - Incorrect" Equius said.

"But he's a mutant!" Danni exclaimed indignantly. She did know _that _much.

"D - His status as a mutant b100d does not mean that he is lowest on the hemospectrum  
"D - He simply is not on it" From where he was standing on Professor Zahhak's right, Karkat glared. The teacher took no notice of him.

"All right, then," said Danni, aware that her own voice was far too high. She knew this. She could do this. Let's see… Tavros? Or Aradia? She took a moment to consider. Tavros or Aradia? Aradia or Tavros? "Tavros," she finally said.

"D - Incorrect" Equius said again. "D - The lowest blood on the hemospectrum is the reddish shade most similar to your own  
"D - Aradia Megido possesses the lowest b100d"

"Okay then, Tavros is after," Danni was terrified and her voice reflected it. Equius nodded ever so slightly, so she continued. "Then - er - Nepeta?"

* * *

Several hours later, as she trotted along down a hall after Professor Zahhak with two armfuls of towels, one clean and fluffy and the other sopping wet and dripping, Danni reminded herself sharply to remember how the characters were related to each other so that she would not repeat her mistake of accidentally insulting someone's moirail. Evidently such behavior was not taken well at OFUH.

_What even is a moirail? _she wondered. She did not receive an answer at once, but Equius halted abruptly.

"D - Towel" he said. Danni obediently held out the dry armful. He took the towel and a few minutes later tossed it onto her other arm, a faint odor rising from it. "D - This is so e%quisitely 100d" Equius exclaimed as he took a second towel. Danni peered 'round him to see what had excited him so.

She was greeted by the sight of Colin and Hazfre kissing each other passionately right in the middle of the hall. "Oh my GOD!" Danni shouted. Then she added, "Wow, how did I do that?" Danni's shout had alerted the two trolls to the presence of other people in the near vicinity and without a second's pause they fled.

Equius remained where he was, staring after them in morbid fascination. "D - So e%ceptionally 100d" he mumbled. "D - Towel"

Danni passed him a towel as he began walking again, she wondered what she had ever done that had made her deserve to witness that debacle side by side with Equius Zahhak. Nothing immediately presented itself, so she merely followed him down the hall.

Hours in the future, but not many


	4. Hours in the future, but not many

Hours in the future, but not many

I don't own the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth (Miss Cam) or the picture that appears in this chapter (Andrew Hussie). For evidence to support my claim that there's a story about OFUM loose on the internet in-universe, see the last chapter of OFUM, in which Lina writes about her experiences there (presumably). Miss Cam appears to have read it. As there's nothing to indicate that even she can read fanfiction that hasn't been published (it being inferred in Chapter 39 that Lina already had fanfiction published on the internet pre-OFUM), I assumed it had been put up on the internet - all except perhaps the last chapter.

* * *

Dinner was better than breakfast had been. It consisted of steak, mashed potatoes, and fries, though some of the steak seemed to be lightly irradiated, as it was glowing faintly green. Danni entered a few minutes late, having spent some twenty minutes vigorously scrubbing herself in the nearest bathroom. She glanced up at the staff section and spotted Karkat sitting between Nepeta and Gamzee, scowling as usual and completely involved in whatever he was talking about with the two of them. She turned her gaze to the student tables, which were slightly more segregated than they had been during previous meals. Slowly but surely, the humans (and also the carapacians and leprechauns) were learning that they did not want to sit next to the trolls (or the cherubs, for that matter) while they were eating, and the trolls (and cherubs) were learning that the humans (and carapacians and leprechauns) did not want to sit next to them. She headed over to a nearby table that was mostly humans and found a seat.

"... went back to OFUM and works in the staff section there," a solid black Dersite girl was saying quietly.

"Yes," countered a human girl across from her with dirty blond hair, tanned skin, and… dark brown eyes, from the sound of it, "but before she went back she wrote this story about the place. It's on the internet, most of it. I knew about these places before."

"しかし、あなたは、彼らはあなたが、本当でしたとは思わなかった？" put in a second human girl. Danni looked at her curiously. She was Asian, definitely, with glasses and black hair. She also seemed somewhat petite. Danni wasn't sure why she was speaking Japanese, though, and had even less of an idea of what she was saying.

"Excuse me?" she asked.

The first human turned to her. "Hello," she said. "I'm Harper Green." She put out her hand. Danni took it.

"Danni Mille," she replied. She jerked her head at the Asian girl. "What's up with her?"

Harper suppressed a grin. "Alpha put that she was East Asian on her paperwork. Customs must have confused that with 'East Beforan.' It seems she can only speak in really shitty Japanese." She turned to the black girl. "What did she say, Der?"

Der, evidently the chess girl, contemplated this for a moment, chewing slowly as she did so. Then she swallowed and replied, "That one was kind of hard to make out, but I think she was asking if you'd thought they were real. Either that or whether or not you were one of them."

"Well of course I didn't think they were real!" Harper replied.

Danni interrupted her before she could continue. "What were real?" she asked.

"Official Fanfiction Universities," Der explained. "Harper says there's a story about the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth out there and that she read it before she came here."

"そして、なぜそこにすべきではない？" put in Alpha. "何がOFUについて書くから学生を保つためには？"

"Terror," replied Der with a shiver, leaving Danni thoroughly confused. She decided to change the subject.

"Is Der your real name?" she asked.

Der turned dark scarlet.

"It's not," snickered Harper. "It's short for DersiteStrider-bitch1024. She started going by Der after she ran afoul of a certain Mr. Dave Strider." She leaned over and whispered, "Don't bring up puppets around him."

Danni looked at Der with something approaching pity. "I wasn't even referring to him," Der objected. "I was referring to Dirk!"

"unfortunately my bro is gay so of course i assumed you meant me. its fucking logic. logic is just laying there yelling dirks gay she means you! im also the one always going on about bitches.

"looks like youve got a new class on your schedule. im sure danni mille here can get you caught up on sexual orientation 146 in time for your next class.

"bitch."

Everyone at the table jumped, twisted around, and then froze as Dave Strider made his speech and then walked away. Silence reigned for a moment and then Der gasped, "Sexual Orientation 146? I have to take Sexual Orientation 146?"

"Hey, Dirk's one of the teachers," Danni said.

Der's head shot up as she made eye contact with Danni. "You've got to help me!" she exclaimed. "I - what was the first class about?"

Danni froze once more. "I - I wasn't paying that much attention, but I think it was about… um... why we shouldn't ship people against their sexual orientation?"

"あなたは、そのようにしてください音はありません" Alpha put in.

"What?" Der asked Alpha. Alpha shrugged. Experiencing a sense of deep discomfort, Danni turned her attention back to her food.

* * *

After dinner, Danni returned to her room with Hazfre. Both girls sat down to do their homework. She decided to start with Professor Zahhak's class, since that was the one that was meeting again soonest. The homework was to compile a list of all trolls and their blood colors. That was going to be easy! She at least knew that the trolls typed in their blood colors. Pulling out a sheet of paper, she began to write,

_Karkat - red_

_Aradia - reddish-brown_

_Nepeta - olive_

_Equius - dark blue_

_Sollux - yellow_

_Gamzee - purple_

_Eridan - different purple_

_Feferi - pink_

_Terizi -_

She got no farther, as at that moment Terizi appeared out of nowhere, gave her a good drubbing around the head with her bucket, and then ran off with Danni's homework paper, forcing the fanwriter to start over. This time, she made certain that she was spelling all the names correctly. She laid it aside and then moved on to Professor Vantas's homework.

She booted up her computer and went to , then navigated to the page on which troll romance was described.

Quickly she copied down the chart and labeled it. There was half the work done. The other half was to name three canonical relationships in each quadrant, or as many as possible in the event that there weren't three. Well, there were a few examples here, weren't there? She flipped through the next few pages and wrote down:

_Mom Dad_

_Jack Noir Black Queen_

_Vriska Kanaya Tavros_

_Nepeta Equius_

_Feferi Eridan_

Next was the hard bit. Danni started poring through the pages of Homestuck, finally coming up with Dirk Jake, Female Cherub Male Cherub, Karkat Gamzee, Spades Slick Snowman, and Rose Kanaya. She was unable to find any other confirmable ashen pairs, so she left well enough alone.

Next was the Sexual Orientation essay… great. Just great.

"Hazfre?" she asked. The troll looked up from her own laptop. "You aren't in Sexual Orientation 146, are you?"

"No," Hazfre replied. "I have Your Lusus and You 115 in that period. But I think Colin is."

"What's with that?" Danni demanded. "Kissing Colin, I mean? I saw you two in the hall!"

Hazfre shrugged. "We felt like it," she said.

"Couldn't you have felt like it in a closet? Somewhere more private?"

The troll looked distinctly uncomfortable. "It was… urgent," she said. "I don't think I'm… used… to these hormones."

* * *

Danni experienced the most effective wakeup call of her entire life the next morning. It came in the form of screaming, both angry and hysterical, from down the hall. They seemed to be heading in the general direction of her dorms, so she leapt out of bed with all haste and hurried to the door, cracking it open and peering out.

The first thing she saw was a purple streak. The hysterical screaming seemed to be coming from that, but it went past too quickly for her to identify it. She pulled the door open a little further so that she could see down the hall and was just in time to see something red flash toward her, trailing a sword. It was definitely Dave Strider and he was definitely flying after one of the students, who was definitely wearing nothing but her pajamas. Behind him was definitely Karkat Vantas, who was definitely running very quickly and definitely wielding both rainbow-hued sickles.

"AFTER YOU'RE DONE CLEANING UP THE ABLUTION TRAP, YOU CAN SET TO WORK ON STRIDER'S FUCKING BED, YOU NOOK-LICKING BULGEHEAD! WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH _THAT _YOU CAN HAVE A FIVE-HOUR DETENTION AND THEN A LECTURE FROM SERKET'S EXPOSITION-SPEWING ANCESTOR ON HOW TROLL GENETALIA DOES NOT FUCKING WORK THAT WAY!"

Up and down the hall doors were opening and heads were poking out to see what was going on. Danni heard Hazfre's voice behind her. "Hrngh. What's going on?"

Danni did not respond. There were no mini-Tyrannies in sight, Dave was far ahead, and Karkat's back was completely exposed. Hormones grant one incredible speed, Danni soon found out. She also soon found out that Karkat Vantas had not been exaggerating when he had stated that he knew how to use the sickles. A number of other pursuing fangirls shared in this discovery. Those that did not reach or that fled from Karkat's weapons, Danni among them, were accosted by Karket, Karat, and Jakarta, who, it appeared, had been hanging behind for that very reason.

* * *

Danni woke up two hours later in a bed in a sanitized room, feeling as though she had been stepped on by a Giclops. Fifteen minutes later she was kicked out, as the fact that she was moaning seemed to have effectively convinced the Kanaya-looking troll and blue floating grandma who were in charge that she was going to live and therefore no longer in need of medical attention.

She staggered into breakfast just in time to see Miss Carol stand up and clap her hands for silence. She was ignored by a very few, and those were soon silenced by their neighbors. She had a look on her face that clearly stated she would have no nonsense. "Thank you," she said. "Now, to those of you who either failed to read your paperwork, and therefore are unaware of the blanket ban on all fanfiction while you are present here, or decided that this rule did not apply to you, it is a rule. You are students. It therefore applies to you and you are expected to know and obey it."

"No fanfiction?" Danni exclaimed. "B-b-but - How are we going to - what? Why not?"

"Because it is a rule, Miss Mille," replied Miss Carol. "You are not fit to write fanfiction and you will not be until you have completed your classes. Until such time you will abstain."

"How are we going to get better without practice?" Danni demanded.

"Detention, Miss Mille, for questioning the same rule twice in a row, seven o'clock tonight, Lecture Hall 69. As for the rest of you, one of you has decided that they are above the rules, and has just cost you your talking privilege during mealtimes. Just as well. We had some lectures we couldn't fit into the schedules, and mealtimes seems a good time to work them in. First on the roster: Beta Bro Strider. Mr. Strider."

The man stood up, recognizable by his trademark triangular sunglasses, baseball cap, and spiky hair. "Let's start with the basics," he said.

"What?" exclaimed a familiar voice, and Danni glanced over to see Harper. She saw that Bro Strider was also looking at her expectantly. "I - I guess I didn't expect you to talk in orange."

"As good a place to start as any," said Bro. "I am a seperate entity from Dirk Strider. It is true that we were the same person for a few minutes as an infant, and that he is who I would have become under different circumstances, but that's exactly the point. We grew up under different circumstances. We may be the same person, but we are different entities.

"I speak in orange because my eyes are orange, like Dirk's. My hair is the same color as Dirk's. I share his affinity for puppets and his ability to flashstep. It is nothing but shared genetics and interests. My name may very well be Dirk. It's just as likely to be Evan.

"On that note, my name is not now, nor will it ever be, Broderick, just as Mr. Egbert's name is not and will never be Dadtim. If any of you know who first felt this idea was a clever one, please don't hesitate to speak up." He paused and glanced around. The silence he was greeted with was almost deafening. Danni shifted uncomfortably where she had sat down. She knew that she was not guilty of this crime, but she wasn't sure about the people around her. The pause stretched longer still. Finally, Bro spoke again. "Detention to all of you for keeping secrets, seven o'clock tonight in Lecture Hall 69. Moving on, I'd like to discuss the publication GameBro."

Danni: Be the other girl


End file.
